…when it comes to this quote:

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. (Romans 7:15)

One of the founding fathers of Christianity as we know it, with one of the most dramatic turnaround (flip-flop?) stories on record, and he admitted—wrote down—this most human struggle. If Paul, who did many things that I am completely unwilling to do, confessed this, then who am I?

I am the woman who woke up at 6 this morning composing this post, who promptly rolled over and (kinda, then for real) went back to sleep.

I am the woman who left her known, scheduled conference call at 8 the evening before…without having accommodated The Blog Post, The Steps, or dinner time. Which at that point would all need to be compressed into an hour and a half in order to hit bedtime at 9:30. Which did not allow for videocalls with A, to talk over her first day in her culinary program.

You see how this went down. No steps, no post, dishes finished up after 10 p.m.  And a rueful affirmation that back-end-loading my days makes them frail. That is, liable to break, come unstuck, or otherwise not work.

And yet, and yet, and yet… I return — I default! — to this pattern. I did it again today; I’m writing this after 4 p.m. because of the way I structured my day. (Structured to include reading Anne-Marie Slaughter’s Unfinished Business cover to cover: a fantastic book beautifully covering so many family and work and living topics in ways that have me cheering. Go read it!)

How come I keep doing this? Even at the same time I tell myself, c’mon, we’ll do this differently now? I wish I knew.

My process-optimizing brain pounds the table and says, there has GOT to be a better way! Um, sure, but so far I got nothin’. Nothing that sticks.

I bet knowing the whys would illuminate the better way. <sigh>

In the meantime, I can quickly attack the 3 mini-projects that must be fed today…or grab those steps…or watch Pretty In Pink, which I’ve never seen…mm, well, not that last one. For now.